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I woke up on Nov 30th at the real live Heartland Ranch nestled in the south east portion of North Carolina. And instead of being on the border of Canada and the USA, This heartland borders South Carolina to the south by 6 miles. Just an easy drive under harness to the grocery store should someone decide to hitch up and head that way.
The fall leaves were still on fire. Looking at the front the house gleems the Glorification of God with it's Southern Christmas Charm exuding peace mixed with the ebb and flow of life's reality living on a farm. The highs... the lows.... the amazing.... the challenges. The unification of one family who brought all this wholesomeness together under one roof.....
Luke 9 says "Go I am sending you"...and this is where I landed. Also we know the best day in our lives is to discover our gift and the second best is to give it away.
These beautiful people that have made me their guest for the last 30 days bring forth the gift of love and hope and protection. I've been a quiet observer in many ways taking in all the goodness here. Steadfast in beautiful humanity, humbled by confession, strengthened by instruction, committed to Christ's mission greeting each other with the peace that comes from God.
But beyond the boundaries of this acreage lays another special place. A place that is safe for us Christians to express our faith in Christ and Glorify his Name in a Big Way.
Combining these two together and have brought absolute magic into my life and so many others who have had a part of this awesome experience. First and foremost, I would like to thank the 22 horses who made this possible.... for their work ethic and the unconditional love and bringing joy to people's hearts as they carried a total of 13,000 passengers this last month... The amazing horse care and logistics that no horse worked more than 4 days a week and no longer than 5 hours in one stretch ----- exemplifying a GOLD STANDARD in our Industry. We all travelled 2100 miles total....and every night was perfectly implemented with the love, skill and care of every person out there... the end came as bitter sweet and merged into a soft landing as the stars came over the North Carolina skies, the harnesses hung up in the tack trailer and the clanging of stainless steel hames being hung up for one more year.
One by one the last 5 horses came off the trailer... Open the gate, halters off, horses out... one by one they went into the safe pastures with their fellow equine brothers and sisters... Each horse signified an adjournment for those seated in the barn.
At almost 11:30pm December 23rd, I said " I think you can say it now."
The words fell out of his mouth, 'We did it."
Those three little words meant that this entire team made it 2100 consecutive miles in perfect unison like the Geoffrey Ballet having its final curtain call.
I took the last ride with passengers from the Honduras. A young couple who travelled here just to experience this place. Not ONE of the 13000 people who were carried were ever out of line. There was a strong under current with Merry Christmas being spoken out of everyone's mouth in a manner where we all felt emotionally safe to be who were in Christ. And to think, only 3 rain days...and the rest. PERFECT weather with a few nights of Chilly.
However, the heart and soul of it all were the team that made it happen with synergistic leadership encouraging each of us every day. From the opening prayer to the last halter off, I guess you can say this is a love letter to my new carriage family of the south. Bridger, Heidi, Madison, Gail and Mike, Eric, Larry, Isabell, Caroline, Maddie, Travis and his amazing team and experience, Erika, Taylor, and I am sure I am missing someone and it's not intentional....
BUT ALL OF YOU, have made this feel like "falling in love" all over again. Every one of you made me feel like this is where I have belonged, I felt safe and secure under the Wings of the Lord nestled on top of a horse carriage in a comraderie that rivals my carriage family in Chicago...
So here in the heartland of the Carolinas is a corner of the world that no one knows about. It has been here since before the motor laws... stemming back 5 generations.
The parking lot at the end of the night was hard. When my passengers stepped off the carriage, I choked back the tears knowing I was hanging up my lines commercially for who knows how long. Bridger jumped into the back of my carriage to take the last trip down the hill. I knew sweet silence was importance for a bit. Pulling into our staging area, as usual, a Descension of the finest footmen and drivers undoing every thing for each horse and carriage and------
POOF --- within 20 minutes 10 carriages parked, tops up, 10 horses un-tacked and loaded into huge rigs. The chill night breeze caught the appearance of an instant ghost town. It was over... We all hugged each others necks. And 4 5 6 7 8 JUST~LIKE~THAT - gone.
I always held the belief that when we show up in Christ, God does the rest...
Anthony's sudden passing has taken a week for me to wrap my head around it. Covid Pneumonia is what was his demise.
Almost 26 years ago I met Anthony on Michigan Avenue coming out of his same workplace office in Michigan Avenue dressed to the nines in a double breasted suit. We chatted some and we struck up a friendship. Over the course of the next few months we became pretty decent friends and dating a few dates but nothing transpired beyond that. I was in a budding relationship with my soul mate. He was inspired by horses and I introduced him to the possibility of owning a horse. He made it happen and bought Turbo. Throughout the years, Anthony was in the background in my life. Sorta always there. When he married Barb after a short time, the marriage lasted 10 years and they were together for about 15 total. The last five were absolutely short of misery for both of them. During the last 10 years we became close friends again to the point where he considered me his best friend. Sometimes I was his only friend and the only place he could go. Often times when Barb would have a tantrum and throw him out of his house, I would toss him my keys to my place and Bloomingdale and have him stay there. He got to know Jennifer as well...and that ole place at 139 S Bloomingdale Road became a safe haven for Anthony as Barb was as unpredictable as shifting winds. I promised him he would not be homeless on my watch... ever.
I could go on about the years of minutia and details that made us stay friends. The credit goes to Anthony to inspire me to become a better person...and that stems all the way back to 1997. He directly told me several insights that I didn't have about myself which was the catalyst for becoming the person I am today.
Now he is no hero and absolutely no saint. I will not turn him into a hero like most people do when they have someone close to them die. I would like to believe I have had a balanced and connected closeness with him that was completely platonic.....and our relationship was centered in Christ. To say those 6 words "our relationship was centered in Christ" seems like a complete disservice to what we actually were to each other as God was the glue to our friendship.
Both of us were Pisces and the deeper we went the bluer it got as our conversations led down several paths of discovery with each other about our life goals, his physical limitations, the emotional struggles he had. He never came up short on conversation and he never came up short on being fascinated by human nature.
The 14 years work he did as a Psychotherapist was more than remarkable. His population that he worked with were sex addicts and sex offenders. He wanted to help the unloveable become good citizens no matter what that looked like. That took a serious toll on how he felt about men in general and took a favor to having almost 100% women friends. He stood for honesty, righteousness, kindness, fairness and even though opinionated on most days, he was right, Kind and utterly washed in the Blood of Christ. Utterly! Christ can exclaim unequivocally, "Well done my good and faithful Servant." Times a million.
Anthony's psychological pain hung a grunting weight like a 10 pound fish on a 5 pound line. It was no secret to those who deeply knew him that he was bi-polar who managed it like a champ. He never felt worthy, however, of anything. I would always be supportive and remind him 'that is your chemistry talking" and he would agree. He had physical limitations and a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia came about within the last 10 years. In addition an added diagnosis of COPD complicated alot of things and curbed his activity. Depression was a staple in his life. Sometimes it would completely knock him down and he expressed all the darkness to me when in those life moments where he felt like depression was bigger than any solution he could find for it. He longed to be with the Lord for decades but definiutely didn' t want to rush his time here on earth though. There was too many to 'love' yet for Anthony to be cut short and showing love deeply to all he had met.
Finally after his divorce from Barb and a near miss with some legal complications, he settled in Marengo. His life started changing, becoming better. His relationship with his father was healed before his dad passed away. There was enjoyment in his world...but still the psychological pain from the bi-polar kicked around and he still managed it well without letting on it was truly affecting him.
Our conversations were super deep about everything you could imagine between two people who have known each other for 26 years. Since about 10 years ago we were in touch like you would expect close friends to be. I respected his emotional head space and energy to be able to absorb anything in my life and he respected mine. We understood when we said, "Not today, I don't have the energy to do this right now."
He was the total Pisces empath to his core: we clicked on that aspect. After his divorce his world fell apart and then it came together and then more together alittle more. He dated some women but those didn't 'stick.' However I learned he was always carefully looking for the next Ms. Forever. "You Ole' dog" I would tell him. He would give me that knowing laugh that I understood. He referred to himself as old and "why would any woman want to even be remotely near and with me." I encouraged him to continue his search and nothing seemed to stick. He was also happy for me that I had finally settled into long term with my own soul mate...and when that came crashing down, he was there for me to cry on.
I guess there is something unqiue about two therapists being friends that is unlike any other friendship. The deep understanding, the knowingness and of course out countless conversations that we would have about Jesus, being in Pre-tribulation times, about the nature of Christ and God's infinite love and care for his children. The understanding of the scripture that flowed freely woven into our conversations that held a continuous space in our world. We both sat playing like His Little Children at the feet of our God the Father basking in His protection and love...as we hung out in this world, not rushing to leave it but ready to go when called home. We were each other's sister and brother In Christ Jesus... that sacred space between this world and the next. Protected and held together with Jesus as the glue.
The last month and a half of Anthony's truncated life was the best of his life. His ache to be with horses was filled to the brim. He was my ground crew as he was getting to know his current love of his life. She was with us too when we made that Trek across Illinois. His life was changing around. He succumbed to the love that was being given to him by this awesome unique woman he had found to spend time with. I got to know JS in the process and knew she was also the real deal for him. They were a match made in Heaven. I haven't seen Anthony so giddy in at least a decade over a gal. Added on top of that were Horses, the trek that he did with us (who knew it was his last ever) and the continuance of all of his passions and love accumulating: materializing right before his eyes as he looked forward to being 70 years old. Everything was going right for him.. absolutely everything. He was finally contented, peaceful and happy... exuding joy in every conversation and experience. His cup was running over.
The thing that haunts me the most is our conversation about covid. He said to me, "I am ready to meet the Lord, I don't want to rush it, but I pray that God does not take me by giving me Covid." It was his worst fear. He did not want to Drown in his own breathe. He begged God out loud in front of me to not take him that way. He said to me, "Anything but Covid." And one week after his passing, that sticks to me like glue.. His words echoing that sentiment. He gave himself the best fighting chance with treatment and care while in the hospital but a mere six days there, a his worst fear was realized...
I just can't find the right "word" or "words" to describe his essence and just the 'way' he had with people and relationships. Anthony was highly relatable to everyone. He thought of himself as a fat old bald guy...but underneath that exterior he hated that comes with age was the handsome guy I met 26 years ago in a double breasted Armani Suit standing on Michigan Ave. I think he felt his own appeal at times and his new love def. brought that out of him. We were at a Perkins in Burlington Iowa and he had tears in his eyes. His tender heart welled up when I asked him what was wrong. Anthony replied choking up, "I finally feel worthy. Truly, I finally feel worthy."
After decades of fighting the dark demons of a mood disorder, he found his self worth. Thousands of words were said from any one that knew him about how he mattered and his was always worthy...but the chemistry did his talking for him...
And that day... over sausage links eggs and biscuits and gravy... he finally arrived. Finally arrived at self worth in a manner that seemed to stick it out the remainder of his last month on the planet. It never was subject of conversation again. I owe this new found insightful transformation to the people in his life over the last two months. JS.. this means you, too.
It's as though his new transformation into his own self worth and feeling Worthy of God's love was the final stop for Anthony that he didn't know about. He finally "arrived" so to speak that took close to 7 decades for it to transpire. Was there nothing left for Anthony to realize once he "got this" wrapped around his head? Was his worthiness to God the final missing puzzle piece...and now he Could Go Home knowing that. Truly only God knows.
EVERYTHING in his world was heading in the right direction and everything he loved merged into the same time space in the last two months. I had never seen him happier than he was those last two months of his life and the world that was revealing itself to him. New found love, horses, old deep ancient friendships remaining true, healing family relationships. Anthony even admitted that his health was better than he had expected when under taking a pretty grueling horse expedition as ground crew. His health was fine! He ditched the back brace, The FMS was in remission, the COPD was better than it had been and the newest love of his life and he were moving forward.... and I watched him unfold in this season of his life as his happiness and joy exuded from every fiber of his being.
I will remember Anthony the way he was the last two months of his life: feeling finally worthy, feeling good enough and finally feeling the love of God in a manner in which he accepted. Anthony's tender tender heart could be pricked by love and emotion so easily. But the heartache and bleeding stopped and was superceeded by his pure joy for the world, the love he had for others in his life and the way he felt about being a Child of God.
Worthy of God's love in the forever capacity of unconditional love and light. And Anthony...You were always worthy...but now you just Get to experience it first hand. You have been called home (albeit in a very unwanted tragic manner).. Resting forever in God's love and talking to Jesus.
Yes Anthony.. you are worthy. You always have been.
