I’m generically going to be speaking of total unforgiveness here -- however that doesn’t strike me as a part of our character. I believe ppl work on forgiving in many ways for what others have done to hurt the ones we love the most.
My perspective about forgiveness is written within this stream of consciousness. Remember that I recognize that by doing significant self work at the same time and I accepting yourself as you are and as you approach this difficult situation.
Forgiveness is the hardest part about these things that have wronged us. It's hard to ultimately determine if one bad thing (like abuse) outweighs another bad thing (like bank robbery)... I don't really want to say what happened to those who you love.... Or that this was a person making a mistake, either.
Somewhere between the fine lines of humanity and mental illness is mercy. Mercy is not always within our power to give, though. Mercy is deeper than forgiveness. Mercy is something that is received and given as we understand it. Mercy is compassion from others as they recognize our weaknesses within us and accept us anyway.
Forgiveness is also not forgetting. By remembering what you give forgiveness for…teaches us how to manage similar situations in the future should they occur again. Don’t ever forget.
Learning to forgive implies that forgiveness is a learned process, not an automatic response. Our nature has a high resistance to laying offenses aside. It prefers to take on an offense and use the energy that the offense brings with it, in every negative way. Every part of our mind, our carnal mind, has a preference to take on an offense and a propensity to hold grudges, and seek its own sense of justice. Within the mind, retaliation is most often not an option, but rather it's a driving force, it has to get even! Sometimes as we are lacking illumination and understanding, we prefer to be judge, jury, and executioner of the offender even when that offender is our own self.
Control and forgiveness are total opposites in our hearts. Giving up control means letting go of a piece of ourselves to bridge the gap between the division of heart, mind and spirit. Forgiveness is not an easy task, at all. Unforgiveness also implies that the past may be more important than the future. We are all on a journey through life. Sometimes we make mistakes, which is part of a normal process on this journey. The mistakes that we make can result in painful experiences; these are the "lessons of life." But, it is through these trials that we learn the most.
The key is learning something from what has caused you extreme pain. Walk away from this situation with the knowledge that you are stronger and smarter. Forgiving will open that door. Second --- comes the actual act of forgiveness. I fear if people don’t forgive others, they will be holding onto the past. People can and may carry anger and resentment around with which will hurt themselves in the long run...more than the person who committed the wrongful act against you. Harboring negative emotions can create bitterness and resentment. It can and will permeate all areas of your life and it makes it more difficult to enjoy today.
Not forgiving keeps you trapped exactly where you don't want to be... holding onto memories of the past. And all the negative forces of the world will grip you tighter in your heart. Unforgiveness holds you steady in place where moving forward is extremely difficult. Do you want unforgiveness to control your life in ANY WAY? Do you want that situation to have any power at all in your life? I ask you to consider to try and not give anyone any power or control over your life.
Gaining control of your thoughts, releasing all of the negative memories and releasing all of the imagined confrontations you could have with this person will be the beginning of letting go of what is behind you and moving on to a better future. You can't change the past but you can make a significant difference in how you approach what's ahead of you. Stay focused on the positive. Stay focused on what you want, not on what didn't work.
And I know for a fact that everything will be ok for you, too. Before I found out the real facts about my birth father. I was lied to and my birth mom told me that my birth father raped her. My parents who raised me went through the same thing as you did. Then the truth came out 10 years after I met him. I lived with this lie for 10 years. My mom who raised me wrestled with forgiving my birth father for doing that to my birth mom, my dad was pissed off that I was the result of a brutal crime. When the truth came out…the roles switched and forgiveness was demanded on the other side for my birth mom. I was in the middle of it all watching all these adults go around and around. To me it seemed ridiculous. They all loved me, supported me and encouraged me to have a relationship with each other, but why couldn't they support each other as well? ..
One time I was in the middle of the four of them…they were in an argumentative state. I stopped them dead in their tracks and said, “Ok everyone..I’m playing the parent here…would you all just stop it! There is enough of me to go around! Please, you are hurting me..stop it!” That was the delineating moment where the truth was told and I was the one to lead the charge of building all relationships up right at that moment. All of them stopped in their tracks and remembered the focus: Megan and her future. They were supportive from the get go…but there were resentments on both sides. Those resentments switched back and forth from time to time. Those resentments turned to understanding and forgiveness over time…ultimately that led me down the aisle, too --which is a moment I will never forget. My birth father never in his wildest dreams thought he would walk arm and arm (with my mom who raised me) with his baby girl down the aisle. The healing that took place on a 50 foot church aisle was beyond words. My dad who raised me was already deceased and gave me away the first time…My birth father threatened to crash my first wedding.. I had police standing by at the time, if necessary. Forgiveness bridges the gaps between the least expected people. Each human has some minute something to offer so we can learn from them. Some have more than others. I gave the eulogy at my birth father’s funeral last August. It was an honor… my mom sent flowers to my step mom and held me when I cried about it. She became comfortable with me calling my birth father “dad” over time. She recognized he was the only one I had left. They were all friends in the end…with deep commonality and a bond with a child that will last beyond death and my lifetime. My love for all my parents exists in two places...in life and in death. I know that both my dads still love me as death holds those emotions frozen in my heart.
Because of my experience, I am proud to help ppl -- Because of my experience, I can help you walk your family through forgiveness and give back the hope that was robbed.... Hope is what we are after. It gives us life and happiness. It gives us what we crave…a reason to continue in the best way possible…to role model that which we want to ultimately become ourselves and to experience serenity as it was intended for our lives.
