Indian Rocks Beach, Pure Magic

The Why We Are Here

A Buffalo Moon Press Memoir 

Who remembers catching fish off the IRB Pier and mourned its loss when the hurricane took it out to sea. The sands on IRB and the waves absorbed your tears in joyful life moments and sad ones. We all like watching beach people come and go talking about sands and tides and the moon ya know? And my husband and I met a recent widower there and struck up a conversation with him as his heart was healing.  He stopped as if tilting an object to the light to gain perspective.  The Red Lion....and Keegans which was a clothing store called The She Shop....Remembering The space shuttle launches if you look in the right spot.  The Beach  Art Center so artists could paint....and our once upon a sleepy time old bridge from long ago….  your family can experience the historical Marker….before the one we have came into being.  Pier 53 that is now Holiday Inn and oh those quaint Rock Houses dotting the beach....  my uncle owned the one with the historical marker on 12th and Julio has it now.   What Irb looked like before and how it looks now still has that old school  feel with the  "no more than so many feet high signs"  that keep it quaint.  The beach goers in and out of season.....  the beautiful sunsets and the coffee shop now reopening again after we sadly watched it close. Has your world been there on that beach and was every life decision you made there as huge as mine was? IRB having the welcome vibe of everyone around you....because we were all here to find that one thing... and we fell in love with IRB... every bit of it.. every beachy inch! All the good...the not so good and the brilliance of every wave that came onto the shore. Morning coffee strolling, sometimes families of stingray and porpoises and surfers and just the hustle bustle in season and the dead quiet out of season.   But we are all here because we love this place called IRB.   I will probably get teased because of the sentiment here but that's ok -  my heart is forever here and the IRB Salt life does that to those who visit.....and this is the beach that grew me up, got me married, watched my mom die from cancer and even watched grandkids renew the next generations love for the IRB TRADITION. .   Since 1972....  my family and I have been here... loved and died here... isn't that "The why" we are all here???  To create more reasons for all who experience this magical place. ❤

Anxiety is a pathway to Love

Meditation #22 – Anxiety and Enlightenment

Anxiety cloaks fear.   Even after waking up in awareness we can’t escape fear but we can be mindful of it.  In fact, Anxiety can be useful in awareness to untie many of the knots that we have in the human condition.  Kierkegaard said that,”Anxiety was his greatest teacher.”  Anxiety will teach the basic truths of impermanence and patience.   There is no pushing pain away when we are experiencing anxiety if it is mindfully approached.

However, I am assuming that you are no longer a zombie and have some semblance that anxiety cannot rule your life and you are living in the state of impermanence to some degree already.  

Anxiety kills.  It will take ahold of a spirit and wrack it with so many physical and emotional symptoms that one can experience an “emotional stuck-ness” that seems impossible to move again. Much like a 800 pound gorilla that is in the room with you and even sometimes sits on your chest.  That kind of anxiety is lack of awareness and faith in yourself. 

Oh but friends, all of you out there who are not awakened forget to realize that the “person” that you are attached to in human form is a program.  We are enlightened beings in a body that has been programmed to believe that we are limited in all that we can do.  We argue our limitations and then we own them which manifests in anxiety in a very unpleasant way that involves all sorts of thinking manifestations of the brain.  We believe and do what we think we can’t do.  We believe and do what we think we can do.  There is either liberation or not.  We choose not to be liberated when we are anxious.  

We pick our human programming to decide for us who we really are as a human.  But we are not human, we are programmed zombies trying to fit our human ways into an enlightened body.  That will never, ever work in a million years.

But if we use anxiety as a great teacher to move us forward into the next level of awareness and enlightenment, we will push out of our human “stuck-ness” into liberation.

No wonder why we have anxiety in our culture! We are trying to do the impossible.  But the “impossible” we experience with anxiety is human not unconditional.  It’s not enlightened and not awake.

What is there to be afraid of?  We have to remember during our awakening process that enlightenment and being awake involves the realization that we are not human at all.  We are dying flesh attached to a soul that knows and sees all things.

Even our brains are limited in their existence of this world.  We hardly use what we have that is human.  Sad, isn’t it?  If we are liberated and un-programmed to this world,  our “I” dies, our “ego” dies and that is human.  

We must not identify with our own “I” or “me”. We must not identify with the human programming that was thrown upon us in the human world.  

But Anxiety? People want to know how to deal, manage, get rid of, understand and even embrace anxiety.  Why?  Because we hate it, that’s why.   We don’t have to hate it at all, it makes us uncomfortable and uncomfortable is excellent when we are seeking our own awareness.

The juxtaposition of Anxiety is courage:   Bravery in the face of opposition and mindfulness enough to pursue all the opposition and oppression to teach ourselves the mentally healthy way to manage our souls trapped into this human body to reach the human uncondition, the enlightenment of everything oppressive.

Changing our framework in how we look at anxiety will help us get up and out of it.  Experiencing anxiety is a pathway to love.   

Anxiety meds will not change your soul.  It may change your “human” to some degree but it will not solve your problems.  Now don’t get me wrong, there are some folks who are humanly and truly imbalanced who need psychotropic meds to function.  But what I am talking about here is situational long term chronic anxiety.  

I have been overwhelmed with anxiety at times in my life that I lived in a brain fog of sorts. I would lose words, not perform well in social situations and my distraction level was higher than the highest mountain in the world.  I was not here, nor was I present.  My very soul would try to peek out from behind the cloud and shake me awake again and that was difficult.

But when I learned that the Anxiety is a pathway to love, my whole perspective changed.  You see, if we reason that we can pay attention to the intense feeling of causing your anxiety that stems from fear, you can figure out why and what these feelings are.  It will take some time perhaps or no time at all.  

Remember that Anxiety is a path, not a point on the horizon.  You are not going to go to that point on the horizon, you are going to walk past it.

Anxiety will also tug on you so hard that it can be almost impossible to ignore.  This is a blessing, not a curse.

What do you need for yourself to pay attention to yourself? What do you need to help you gain strength to power through these feelings of fear?

Plain and simple:  YOU NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Anxiety is another layer to peel away.  Anxiety is a part of the program of being human and in the human condition.  Getting rid of anxiety seems like it would be way too painful and always will come up about the ways you are living daily life.

But what is daily life?  Doesn’t daily life exist in the human condition?  Isn’t that a program of sorts?  It is, isn’t it?  Do you want to be programmed forever or do you want to deliver yourself  into an awakened state of being, a state of not being a zombie anymore?

Let everything go.  Why does your fear matter?  There is, as I have said before, only fear or love.  There is nothing in-between.

Also the tricky part about Anxiety is if you withdraw from it, it will get worse.  You may bury it deeply but it will manifest somewhere in your life and in places that seem the least likely.  It will interfere with everything you love and block the pathway to love… because it is another pathway to love.  The irony is amazing here, isn’t it?

The lack of substance in our experience is our greed, cravings, addictions, aversion and pushing pain away;  hold no ignorance or belief that sustaining Anxiety will bring security or happiness!   Exploring anxiety relieves all that there is involved with it and brings recovery and ultimately unconditional love. 

The circular pathway is discovery, recovery then love.  They harmonize with each other in a circle of awareness that spirals up and inward.

Our souls exist out of the time space continuum, the pendulum in the middle or left or right.  It exists in abstraction in the uncondition of spirit.  Anxiety fights this existence to reason that our soul must live in certain place in our world.  It doesn’t.  It exists in an abstraction place called mind.  Mind is different than brain.  Using our mind is different than using our brains to solve a math equation.  Using our mind is the center link between our human-ness and our soul.  It is the link between the interconnected lack of time space continuum in the human uncondition and the place we know of ourselves in the world.

What does this have to do with anxiety? Quite a bit, actually.  If we believe that our mind and our brain exist on the same place, we will exist in a stuck reality that is conditional.   We have to be able to disconnect our mind from our “self” and our “ego” or out “I/me”.    

In a previous chapter I talked about how to do that to some extent or at least bring about an awareness in understanding the difference.  We cannot be two human people in the same body.   We cannot adopt the thinking that the ego and mind are the same.

Same goes for feelings.  Any feeling or emotion, in fact.  Feelings are simply defined, too.  They are the impermanent shifting body sensation which we label as pain or pleasure.  They pass through us if we recognize and embrace why they exist in our programmed world.  Our mind can handle our feelings better than our brain can which is the reason why being aware and awake when we experienced emotion is so important.

Back to Anxiety.  Be. Here. Now.  There is no other time to exist in the mind.  Remember that being human is a programmed set of values that is attached to a world that is set in motion by conditional stimuli.

No one should ever worry about being in the ‘now’.  Be not anxious for nothing, it will resolve itself.  We can nudge change to approach anxiety but staying anxious brings our past and future into our present.  Why would we want to do a preposterous thing like that for?  

Everything is now.  In fact, everything is always just this. Whatever you are doing is now and now the past. Like now… there it goes again.  Did we have anxiety for this moment we are having now that just past?  

Don’t waste your time on trying to control a racing mind or an anxious mind.  Controlling anything to the extent in which you think you humanly can is always going to be a soul faux pas.  You can’t control most everything in our human world.

You can’t outrun pain.  You can’t rationalize pain either. Your thoughts are going to race if you seek to control it.   Not doing so results in anxiety.

Face it, Anxiety will catch you if you try and run away.  Anxiety is unresolved pain that you repressed that is surfacing again.  You didn’t fully experience the first time around.  

So get back in touch with reality! The unexperienced pain needs to be experienced to its core so you can experience love in the liberation of anxiety.  Breaking through pain is ginormous, terrifying and can feel like you are dying at times.  That’s ok, you won’t die from experiencing emotional pain that seems endless, eventually by working through it, it will clear itself out.

This may take a few weeks or even a few years.  Don’t push it down inside but don’t rush processing your fear either.  Let it flow in and about you like a floating orb that you want to study and learn about. 

Eventually and over time, your anxiety will disappear and give way to a quiet mind.  There will be nothing left for you to rationalize your pain away.  You will be able to not outrun your mind and succumb to your brain.  The result is peace and liberation.  And in the absence of fear, there is love.  Your mind will think very little, it will stop racing and it won’t have thoughts intruding on your daily life that will rattle you.  Even in times of deep lifetime conditional human struggle, you will be able to manage it with a peace and quiet and embrace that will lead you into more awareness.

That is precisely why anxiety is a pathway to love. 

On Forgiveness

I’m being very philosophical here and typing out of stream of consciousness. My gut is telling me what to write…so it may turn out to be alittle off task here…but going with my gut usually has never been wrong. So here goes…

I’m generically going to be speaking of total unforgiveness here -- however that doesn’t strike me as a part of our character.  I believe ppl work on forgiving  in many ways for what others have done to hurt the ones we love the most.

My perspective about forgiveness is written within this stream of consciousness. Remember that I recognize that by doing significant self work at the same time and I accepting yourself as you are and as you approach this difficult situation. 

Forgiveness is the hardest part about these things that have wronged us. It's hard to ultimately determine if one bad thing (like abuse) outweighs another bad thing (like bank robbery)... I don't really want to say what happened to those who you love.... Or that this was a person making a mistake, either. 

Somewhere between the fine lines of humanity and mental illness is mercy. Mercy is not always within our power to give, though. Mercy is deeper than forgiveness. Mercy is something that is received and given as we understand it. Mercy is compassion from others as they recognize our weaknesses within us and accept us anyway.

Forgiveness is also not forgetting. By remembering what you give forgiveness for…teaches us how to manage similar situations in the future should they occur again. Don’t ever forget.

Learning to forgive implies that forgiveness is a learned process, not an automatic response. Our nature has a high resistance to laying offenses aside. It prefers to take on an offense and use the energy that the offense brings with it, in every negative way. Every part of our mind, our carnal mind, has a preference to take on an offense and a propensity to hold grudges, and seek its own sense of justice. Within the mind, retaliation is most often not an option, but rather it's a driving force, it has to get even! Sometimes as we are lacking illumination and understanding, we prefer to be judge, jury, and executioner of the offender even when that offender is our own self.

Control and forgiveness are total opposites in our hearts. Giving up control means letting go of a piece of ourselves to bridge the gap between the division of heart, mind and spirit. Forgiveness is not an easy task, at all. Unforgiveness also implies that the past may be more important than the future. We are all on a journey through life. Sometimes we make mistakes, which is part of a normal process on this journey. The mistakes that we make can result in painful experiences; these are the "lessons of life." But, it is through these trials that we learn the most.

The key is learning something from what has caused you extreme pain. Walk away from this situation with the knowledge that you are stronger and smarter. Forgiving will open that door. Second --- comes the actual act of forgiveness. I fear if people don’t forgive others, they will be holding onto the past. People can and may carry anger and resentment around with which will hurt themselves in the long run...more than the person who committed the wrongful act against you. Harboring negative emotions can create bitterness and resentment. It can and will permeate all areas of your life and it makes it more difficult to enjoy today.

Not forgiving keeps you trapped exactly where you don't want to be... holding onto memories of the past. And all the negative forces of the world will grip you tighter in your heart. Unforgiveness holds you steady in place where moving forward is extremely difficult. Do you want unforgiveness to control your life in ANY WAY? Do you want that situation to have any power at all in your life? I ask you to consider to try and not give anyone any power or control over your life.

Gaining control of your thoughts, releasing all of the negative memories and releasing all of the imagined confrontations you could have with this person will be the beginning of letting go of what is behind you and moving on to a better future. You can't change the past but you can make a significant difference in how you approach what's ahead of you. Stay focused on the positive. Stay focused on what you want, not on what didn't work.

And I know for a fact that everything will be ok for you, too. Before I found out the real facts about my birth father. I was lied to and my birth mom told me that my birth father raped her. My parents who raised me went through the same thing as you did. Then the truth came out 10 years after I met him. I lived with this lie for 10 years. My mom who raised me wrestled with forgiving my birth father for doing that to my birth mom, my dad was pissed off that I was the result of a brutal crime. When the truth came out…the roles switched and forgiveness was demanded on the other side for my birth mom. I was in the middle of it all watching all these adults go around and around. To me it seemed ridiculous. They all loved me, supported me and encouraged me to have a relationship with each other, but why couldn't they support each other as well? ..

One time I was in the middle of the four of them…they were in an argumentative state. I stopped them dead in their tracks and said, “Ok everyone..I’m playing the parent here…would you all just stop it! There is enough of me to go around! Please, you are hurting me..stop it!” That was the delineating moment where the truth was told and I was the one to lead the charge of building all relationships up right at that moment. All of them stopped in their tracks and remembered the focus: Megan and her future. They were supportive from the get go…but there were resentments on both sides. Those resentments switched back and forth from time to time. Those resentments turned to understanding and forgiveness over time…ultimately that led me down the aisle, too --which is a moment I will never forget. My birth father never in his wildest dreams thought he would walk arm and arm (with my mom who raised me) with his baby girl down the aisle. The healing that took place on a 50 foot church aisle was beyond words. My dad who raised me was already deceased and gave me away the first time…My birth father threatened to crash my first wedding.. I had police standing by at the time, if necessary. Forgiveness bridges the gaps between the least expected people. Each human has some minute something to offer so we can learn from them. Some have more than others. I gave the eulogy at my birth father’s funeral last August. It was an honor… my mom sent flowers to my step mom and held me when I cried about it. She became comfortable with me calling my birth father “dad” over time. She recognized he was the only one I had left. They were all friends in the end…with deep commonality and a bond with a child that will last beyond death and my lifetime. My love for all my parents exists in two places...in life and in death. I know that both my dads still love me as death holds those emotions frozen in my heart.

Because of my experience, I am proud to help ppl --  Because of my experience, I can help you walk your family through forgiveness and give back the hope that  was robbed.... Hope is what we are after. It gives us life and happiness. It gives us what we crave…a reason to continue in the best way possible…to role model that which we want to ultimately become ourselves and to experience serenity as it was intended for our lives.

You are my Stardust

Monday, June 12, 2023

You are my Stardust

  A Poem's Musing

That would make a great book wouldn't it.  

I think you and I know enough about soulmate love that we could write a book.  

It makes me think that I would love to share that love we have with the world in a way that is acceptable...and a book about soulmate love would be amazing and a place to put everything I remember to say when I can't say it in the moment.

But how would I start it... I know how it ends.  

Would I state my qualifications? or 

show ppl that soulmate love is possible...

complicated and sometimes 

a slow torture where lifepartner and soulmate 

are not the same person (they rarely are ...but it can happen).

But you definitely are my stardust.. 

my beginning and my end.. 

even with everything in the middle.... 

the back and forth, 

the absences to togetherness, 

the soulmate connection that stands 

the 

            persistence 

                                       of time.

I wish ppl could know.  

But I also know 

      there are others out there 

who share this love between them

     and they are as blessed as we are.. 

no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes our love can feel like 

      a hanging weight of a big trout 

on the end of a fly rod.. and sometimes 

       light as air... but no matter what

You are still my stardust forever... 

  The love that carries forward

    no matter what spirit we embody

       or emblazon

          or stumble across

             our ashes to ashes

                 and dust to dust

                   through earthly fire

                     and heavenly realms

It's always been you

The Old Harness Horse

-This Old Harness Horse 

Author: unknown

This old horse, the driver said, 

she’s seen some better days,

she’s eating up my profits,

and costs a lot for hay.

Another horse would suit me,

a stronger one at that,

shes seen a lot of miles

just like my old top hat.

This old horse, the driver said,

she helped me bring good cheer,

I’m pretty sure shes magic,

I know I hold her dear.

Another horse would suit me,

one that can run fast,

maybe one that’s younger,

or maybe one that lasts.

This old horse, the drivet said,

she’s long and far in tooth,

The shared miles I remember,

her fondly from her youth.

Another horse would suit me,

a gelding in his prime,

one that needs less fixin’,

that helps me save a dime.

Why, they asked, then keep her?

why not trade her now?

bring her to an auction?

replace her with a cow?

The Drivers brow grew heavy,

he took a staggered step,

his eyes did show his hardships,

in wrinkles, as they crept.

His breath, he took in deeply,

as he poised to say his words,

it’s as if the earth grew silent,

that his message should be heard.

This old horse, the Driver said,

has given me her life,

I wouldn’t trade for anything,

nor either, would my wife.

Another horse would suit me,

and perhaps someday will come,

but this old gal, I love her,

she is the chosen one.

This old horse, the driver said,

her service she did lend,

her and I, have seen the years,

this old horse, she is my friend.

Another horse would suit me well,

but her home is here to keep,

I owe her sanctuary,

my love for her is deep.

Another horse would suit me well,

and younger days for me,

and I will keep my promise,

until our last breaths, set us free."

Farm Work

Farm work doesn’t make you stronger. It reveals you.There’s gym strong and then there’s farm strong.

They’re mutually exclusive. Hot cold tired and hungry.... farm work will kick your ass until you have no ass left to kick. Every muscle joint and tendon will be strained.  Even when fit.... Farm tired is not just being tired!

The toughest women you’ll ever meet spend their days on a farm.

“Well that certainly didn’t go as planned,” is one thing you’ll say quite a bit. Control is a mere illusion. The thought that you have any, at any given time, is utterly false.

Sometimes sleep is a luxury. So are lunch and dinner. And brushing your hair.

If you’ve never felt your obliques contract, then you’ve never tried stopping an overly full wheelbarrow of horse manure from tipping over sideways. Trust me, you’ll find muscles that you never knew existed on the human skeleton to prevent this from happening.

There is no other option & You’ll cry. Sometimes you get so hardened that you stop crying at all because  who has time for that shit!  There's work to be done! But you’ll never live more fully. You’ll remain present no matter what because you must.

You’ll find yourself saying things like, “we have maybe twenty minutes of daylight left to git ‘er done” whilst gazing up at a nonspecific place in the sky.

You’ll become weirdly obsessive about the weather.

You’ll go out in public wearing filthy clothes and smelling of dirt, sweat and poop. People will look at you sideways and crinkle their noses but you won’t care.

Your entire day can derail within ten seconds of the rising sun.

Farm work is difficult in its simplicity. You'll be drained before you start another day & forget that you didn't shower as you cave into bed. 

Socializing is rare because that energy is saved to pull out a foal from their mama.  Having time is a luxury.

Stamina ....  New meaning to the word.  Sandwiches will have dirt in them. And fingernails are constantly crusty.

You'll never live more tired and satisfied though.  You'll never live more appreciative of the miracle we all call life.

And at the end of the day..... You'll never love more deeply than seeing your faithful horse wanting a snuggle at feeding time.

♥️♥️

Letter to Aging Equestrians

An open letter 

To Aging Cowgirls & Horseman:

You horse fellows may be feeling as though your Strength is winding down as their passion is winding up. Your jeans fit differently perhaps but your new gloves and old boots make ya happier.   Your cowboy creases in your face are more of a twinkle than a complaint... And cowgirls Strength and resilience...  Have been your goals... not dyed hair or those bling bling things city girls live for.  Horseman and women you are not letting yourselves go..you're just getting fired up.  

Comfortable in your own skin, just like your worn out saddle, harness or favorite livestock halter.   We are now not too young to have well earned gray hair, a few hitches in our giddy up either.  But with all of this getting older stuff,  we value what means the most.  And when we're off the clock which is not often.... We try and connect with those who mean something to us in a way that matters.  We still sometimes miss the mark when times get lean and communication gets tire-some.  But each day we get back up to do it all over again embracing our farm, livestock or whatever  strength and resilience calls us to do for the day.  Our greatest daily accomplishment is hope. We hope things go as planned. We hope we don't have to do things over again.  We hope that those who depend on us know that we love them.  We hope that the stability in our character is projected as the rock for other people.  And we hope that all of this can be felt with love.  Getting older can be said it's not for the faint at heart. And those who said that are not wrong. In the corners of our mind when we age we acquire ourselves and the wisdom that goes with it.  And this wisdom is relative to the millions of memories we have experienced over the course of our lifetime.  And if we're lucky….by now, we have passionately kissed those we love, loved those we want to not love and understand that letting go of whatever brings strife is making way for peace. This way of life has brought us to our knees and also has had us standing up cheering.  The last goal of the season or the last heart horse who gives in to colic and life is taken away.  This is all of you my aging cowgirls and horsemen.  For our value lies within ourselves when we are called to love our life, love ourselves and love one another.

Heaven is Simple & Hope Remains the same.

 

.....At 9:43pm EST, the last of approximately 13,000 people took the final carriage ride out with Madison and Wyatt as her trusty steed.  Over the last 30 days with only Sunday being closed, a total of 2208 miles of memories were created under harness at the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte North Carolina.  

The familiar faces, the comraderie and the inside jokes still prevailed over any kind of weather that tried to dampen our spirits.  The gratefulness of all of us for one another stood out.  The daily prayers to keep us safe kept us motivated and inspired.   God was faithful with our horses, loving with His Children (us) and those passengers who braved the rain and minus windchill to keep the Christmas tradition alive.

We laughed at Visions of Sugar Cookies dancing in our heads.  Giggled at Embracing trees that hum. Felt the joy and sometimes sorrows with our passengers.  All with an attitude of gratefulness and cheer. The warmth of our team rose above the weather when it was inclement.  

The days and nights passed quickly.  Between the clip clops of  Jezebel, Wyatt, King, Musk, Boone, Moose, Motown, Gentry and Apple Jack who were so faithful to us in their understanding of their calling,  the undertone of wisdom and experience made every passenger feel safe, happy and even celebrated at times.

What is it about combining a million Christmas Lights and bunch of horses and about 30 awesome people that makes it so amazing?  Jesus of Course.  You can' t keep light under a bushel as the scriptures say.  Each jingle on those bells as we would bump along on our half mile route was something memorable to all whom were carried.   The little ones who always cried out loud "horsies!"  to the very old and feeble that we helped into the carriage made a great testimony of old family values and things that mattered the most.   Time is short and life is fleeting..and if this the last carriage ride any of our passengers took, then we can be proud of the memory made for that person.

Just the horse, the driver, the carriage and our passengers.  No cell phones, no tablet or iPads or digital images, no influencers, tik tok or Facebook.  This experience transported everyone back to a simpler time where horses were the way of life as a means of transportation.  Drivers turning an ear to their passengers, leaning over and spending quality time with those who cherished this experience for the first time or for the 22nd time.  Drivers overhearing the next generation say, "Grandma, did you ever ride a horse?"  And her smiling back and saying, "I used to ride horses when I was a little girl".    And the younger generations having fun singing all the way.  13,000 conversations.  13,000 connections made; some new, some old but all of them real.

We had passengers from as far away as Kenya, Scotland, Ireland, France, Hawaii and others as close as 3 miles away.   

None of this could be made possible without all that is stated above.  But the thing that always stands out is the family who is the constant glue to this operation.  Heidi with her good cheer made us laugh out loud and kept the lines moving, Miles on the stand a few times bringing his own flavor of comic relief while being super helpful and Madison's tireless spirit (even when she couldn't go on one more step) and lastly the most grateful for us all: Bridger.   He lives up to his name with his crew. Bridging gaps when needed making it all run the way it should...and Cindy, the right hand that brings the balance when the balance is needed.   Her expertise, warm spirit and get down to work ethic is next to none.

To be appreciated every day for what is going on is rare.  To get prayed for everyday in addition to that is the crown jewel of workplace emotional safety.

Our world today is still quite a mess.  But for just an instant and a blip in time, we got to escape life and live daily with bringing happiness to thousands of people --- with horses no less!

Our horses experienced the same comraderie as did.  They worked in perfect unison in an order that was like a well oiled machine.  Each making their own way with what came natural for them.  And our leadership having enough experience to know how to make this happen.

Wyatt loves to be scratched, Moose typically sneezes three times after coming up the hill, Motown needs Wyatt closeby to stand still; Jezebel with her work ethic needs slowed down so she doesn't work too hard, Boone just as easy going but will snort at an umbrella on the ground, King with his beautiful high stepping like he is in a parade, Musk being turned out and taking off bucking after a hard night's work.  Every one of these horses and their personalities were considered.  Every harness carefully checked... they were the heroes being transported 100 miles a day back and forth from Charlotte.  

"It's a wrap" we all yelled in unison. We all stood around a circle with a sense of pride and relief.  Some of us with the feeling of "this went by so fast."   Each of us hugged each other goodbye.  Ringing in the air "Have a great year, Thank you all,  Be safe out there" showing the love and compassion right down to the last moment. 

You never know what one year can bring, or even the next ten minutes.  But for a short period of time, as it has been for the last 22 years , the human celebration here was one of peace.  The common thread was Jesus Christ laying in a manger and the promise of His Hope in our Father's Salvation through His Son.

Then as quietly as the season snuck up on all of us,  we all dissipated into the chilly night on Dec. 23 around 10:45 pm.    The stars were out, collective satisfaction was felt and our hearts were happy.  O come Emmanual for a Savior is Born!!!   Hallejulah, Amen!

See you next year!  

Spiritual Abuse and Pulpit Bullies

PulPit Bullies:  Covert Spiritual Abuse by Narcissistic Preachers

A quick look throughout the Bible will bring to mind scripture about pride, arrogance, boasting and condemnation.  I will not reference them here for it will take away the purpose of this post.  If you really want them to back this up, I would be happy to send them to you privately.

I don't throw labels around very often. In fact, I am anti-label.  But in order to convey this message, I am using labels to make explanation more concise to serve the discussion regardinv Pulpit Bullies.  

Pulpit Bullies use Aggressive words, condescending tones,  name calling, subtle backhanded compliments, gaslighting and dismissal and delusional thinking that their stance is perfect and everyone else is wrong Their bombastic arrogance comes from the need to be right and adopts the same traits as an abuser or narcissistic abuser who plays with your spirituality as s platform.

Collin Hanson, an expert on bullying with supportive scripture states, "For far too long we’ve tolerated this kind of leadership that should plainly disqualify pastors by several standards in Titus 1:7–8. Why do we think it’s okay for pastors to abuse their members and fellow leaders so long as they don’t steal money or have sex outside marriage?"

And I don't throw the term "abuse" around lightly these days either. I won't even drag the term out in discussion unless the spade is a spade.  And Pulpit bullies definitely trump in spades in this card game!

The abuse is far more subversive and subtle than being punched in the face or witnessing a violent act of spousal abuse. Bruises are easy to comprehend as violence on a target.   Spiritual abuse is much more undetectable since Pulpit Bullies are masters of stealth hiding behind doctrine to justify poor behaviors.

When we think of Pastors who lead their sheep, we think of Christ in his manner of doing so.  Gentle, kind, patient and holding people firmly accountable in grace.  Jesus was firm but he was not mean.  Jesus didn’t use language that would hurt, harm or shame them.  He didn’t use language that called his “friends” apathetic, ignorant or “out of touch with reality and truth.”  He did not define our reality for us by telling us what we need to believe about ourselves. He did not give us Grace to slam someone spiritually so they run away.

Spiritual abuse is most associated with sex and money scandal.   Little attention is paid to the subtle narcissistic tendencies that an Aggressive Pastoral PulPit Bully uses to manipulate and shame the people who follow.  And those who have fallen for those tactics are most often blind to it because the abusive Pastor uses the word of God to justify harshness because "truth at all costs" no matter how its relayed.  

Of course this also needs to be said that the majority of pastors, guide their flocks with gentle compassion, truth and love.  The time has come to NOT ignore those who shepherd those flocks with righteous indignation and any one opposing the pulpit bully’s theory will be shut down.  That is the manipulation tactic to gain control over people which is also a toxic connection to those who can’t see it.  Pulpit Bullies get all hot and bothered when others  see through their toxic micro aggression and call others “too sensitive” (Gray, 2014).

However, and sadder still, the followers who don’t see the toxic way in which a PulPit Bull is coaxing them deeper by manipulation is even worse.  For they do not recognize bullying as a problem, they see it as strong leadership and follow right along like sheeple to reinforce the narcissistic preacher bully’s theories as correct. After all people crave leadership even if the leader is abusive (Stockholm Syndrome overtones inserted here).

This week I have had three agnostic and atheists private message me about a Preacher who used language to shame them and condemn their position on faith.    They reached out to me as a believer in Christ  and said to me, “if that preacher is what being saved is all about, I will stay an atheist.”  If they are domineering bullies (Matt 20:25; 1 Tim 3:3; 1 Pet 5:3) there’s a reason for people to feel this way. Such behavior wounds much more deeply than most people can possibly imagine. And if only one person mentioned this. I probably would have blown it off. But three private messages and 3 others calling out condemnation and poor behavior on the social media thread?  That's a problem.

Three times this preacher was called out for poor behavior, judging people of differing opinions and then was told, “I will not argue with those who refuse to see the truth”.    That’s gaslighting right there.   Who said this person was arguing?  This person was stating an opinion just as much as this bully was. However,  the bully stands in defensive mode and shuts down anyone who opposes his beliefs or thinking. 

Lost souls are not going to run headfirst to Jesus if they meet a pulpit bully.  They will run like their hair is on fire and justify their atheism or agnosticism as their path because quite honestly, who wants to be condemned for their beliefs?  Who wants to be told they are an ignoramus or be disrespected for just being a human being who believes differently than they do? 

Exploring individuals who want to learn about faith will not tolerate PulPit Bulls who say they are “ignorant”, “apathetic”, “wrong”, or are mocked.   Pulpit Bulls use proclamations of condescension of opposing views to call attention to themselves.    “It’s National Atheist Day!” is one such proclamation by a PulPit Bull that stirred controversy from the atheists who were watching.  It made one of those atheists BLOCK this preacher.  Now what next for her salvation?  His flock followed suit mocking the National Atheists Day when the Bible teaches that individuals should sit with her like the woman at the well.  

And this Chump Gang represented something much more than small-town politics or position on social media.  His mocking was a Prime example of gaslighting, shut down, judgment, bullying and trying to connect backward with a lost sheep who may have asked more questions if she wasn’t RUN OFF by the “preacher almighty.”   

 Here are Four Passages that support this.  The KJV Bible for Believers is the inerrant infallible word of God.  For those who don’t believe this, the Bible holds amazing Wisdom as a life guide.  

The Scriptures are quite clear: it is enough. Sex and money are not the only issues. How shepherds (mis)treat their sheep is a key part of ministry qualifications. Consider just four 

verses.

1. “Therefore an overseer must be . . . not violent but gentle” (1 Tim. 3:3).

While at first glance this qualification may seem to refer to physical abuse only, the Greek word for “violent” (πλήκτης) is more all-encompassing. The HCSB gets it right: “Not a bully, but gentle.”

2. “Shepherd the flock of God . . . not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Pet. 5:3).

Again, notice that Peter recognizes an inherent tendency in leaders to wield their authority wrongly, through domination, intimidation, or heavy-handed leadership. The Greek word here (κατακυριεύω) is literally “lord it over.” In contrast, the shepherd of God’s flock leads by example, not by force.

Narcissictic Preachers have no idea how not to lead by covert manipulative force.  Covert in the fact that they may present as shy, charming spiritual leaders.  They are affable but have an agenda.  They are charming but seething with deceit under neath it all. Beautiful sheep’s clothing is really a wolf knocking at the door.  A covert Narcissist is someone who craves attention but lacks empathy for differences of views in a consistent manner  every single time (such as shutting down anyone who differs in opinion or just overtly telling them to ‘just scroll on by’ and ignores their accountability for being generally a real asshole). 

3. “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant” (Matt. 20:25).

Jesus says this soon after some of his disciples request positions of power at his right and left. So, he clarifies the manner of leadership for the church. He begins again with the negative: not like the Gentiles who “lord it over,” but in the spirit of a “servant.” On this score, it’s noteworthy that many biblical leaders wrap their identity around the term servant (Rom 1:1; Titus 1:1; James 1:1; 2 Pet. 1:1).

4. “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone” (2 Tim. 2:24).

The prohibition against being quarrelsome does not rule out disagreement, debate, or even vigorous theological exchanges. But it does rule out language or behavior that is belittling, abusive, harsh, or derogatory. In contrast, the qualified Christian leader is “kind to everyone.”

In summary, qualified leaders should be characterized as follows:

• Not a bully, but gentle

• Not domineering, but setting an example.

• Not lording it over, but being a servant.

• Not quarrelsome, but kind

But the gaslighter bully preacher will argue they are not being quarrelsome by saying they won’t argue.  Which is quarrelsome anyway.   It is lording their opinion over another and saying “please obey me as your leader and if you don’t like it, I’ll shut you down or ask you to just keep scrolling.”   When a Pastor demands their way in everything, tolerates no dissent or difference of opinion and ousts, shuts down and anyone who disobeys him,  they have a tendency to intimidate dissent by a barrage of scripture to try and justify their position.   This is called “hiding your abuse behind God’s word” in the rawest form.  Then the wearing down tactics start.  Which is common for any kind of abuse where the abuser bombards their position over and over and over wearing the target down where the target eventually agrees and gets sucked in or walks away in anger and disgust.  Either way, the Bully Preacher wins and feels victorious that HIS self righteousness and spiritual abuse is backed by the Almighty Word of God and that the target is “wrong”.  

Bully preachers also dominate other preachers in their area.  They will not allow other balanced leaders whose leadership is an advocacy of faith to state their opinions either.  The Bully Preacher’s opinion is the only opinion that counts.

John III specifically calls attention to Spiritual Bullying. In a nutshell because looking it up can be a pain, John III says that Preacher Bullies reject outside interference, bringing accusation against the opposition, and putting people out (or making then run away) when they oppose him.

Bully Preachers have the need to be right and debate semantics to create distractions from the real issue at hand.  Did Jesus raise from the dead on Friday?   No, he did not.. Historically at least.  But those Bully Preachers want to DISTRACT others by sucking them into a toxic relationship so followers will jump on the bandwagon and join the fuckery because they are being HOOKED like a fish staring at a shiny lure in the water.

OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!  LOOK OVER HERE SHEEPLE.. Never mind that the preacher is using language and undertones of abusive manipulation to gain power.  Servant  Leadership is not a word I would use here! Ha!

Today is not the day to go into the upbringing of said PulPit Bulls because that could take forever.  But I do want to mention that Narcissistic Leadership  in Churches present a spectrum of tendencies.  What that means is that PulPit Bulls are on a scale of  narcissism that exceeds normal pride and humility.  They are stepping into the pathological tendencies of psychopathology that are extremely divergent from normative or desirable leadership behaviors.  

Dr. Craig Malkin, Harvard School of Professional Psychology will also agree that Narcissism will have tendencies ranging on a spectrum from 1 to 10:  and 10 being completely criminally psychopathological to the point of being dangerous to society.  The average person on their best day and even being proud of their accomplishments will sit around “5”.  6 if you have something you like to be proud of. Preachers, leaders and other individuals  in positions of power typically sit around a 6.  Sadly the statistics don’t lie either.  Stanford conducted a study of narcissism and abuse of powers in leadership positions (that includes leaders of countries and those in pastoral roles) will stay about a 6.5 on the Narcissistic spectrum on a constant basis.  When an individual is on level “7” on the narcissistic scale, those who are experienced in discerning a spiritual narcissistic abuser will see ALL the red flags.  When a preacher sitting at an "8" – that is stepping into the pathological hell fire pretty darn quick!

Narcissistic Preachers are really amazing at blinding their flock, especially those who make proclamations on Social media.  The ones who agree with the Bully will get Love Bombing, Affirmations, support, encouragement  and Scriptural support (given out of context) to justify the Narcissitic Bully Preacher.    The Shining Squirrel Effect (I may have to trademark that) is when the flock will “ fall head over heels in love” with the Narcissistic Bully Preacher because they really don’t know him in any other capacity or personally.  Narcissistic Spiritual Abusers are masterful at keeping relationships surface to show off the “shining squirrel over there!” 

This sadly speaks volumes to the individuals who fall for the bullying tactics but are blind to it.    Those who don’t see bullying statistically most likely have their own cognitive dissonance to resolve.   They fall prey to believing that condemnation of Holy Fire and Brimstone is “the way, the truth and the light”.   Arrested spiritual development starts to seep into the flock under the leadership of a Pulpit Bully.   The Pulpit Bully then praises them for being so “correct, righteous and right.”   They stop growing spiritually and they never leave..and the cycle continues.  The Preacher love bombs, affirms and sings their praises.  And why is it so important for a Narcissistic Preacher Bully to keep his flocks under his wings?  One simple answer: EXPOSURE that he is a fraud, a fake, an abuser and a narcissist.  Exposure is the Narcissistic Bully Preacher’s worst enemy.  If you expose one,  you better get ready for the largest smear campaign of your life! Narcissist Bully Preachers hate exposure to the truth of who they really are. I think they would rather lose their salvation than be exposed on this earth.  And if you have seen a Narcissist be exposed, then you know what I am talking about. Literally all Hell breaks loose. 

So gotta keep those masses down, down, down....  Way down they go!!  Does the Narc. Preacher have salavation?  Yep! They do, they are still saved by the blood of Christ and that is permanent and that will never undo what Jesus did on the Cross.   That’s the amazing thing about Grace! Christ grants Grace through Salvation.    Sin is sin in God’s eyes… the severity of which we give it value is a "human thing.”  However, that doesn’t make Spiritual Abuse ok.  But for those who wonder, those who are saved by the blood of Christ will be still saved.  But I can guarantee that the Good Lord is an amazing Parent to His children and those Bullies will be dealt with as God states that Vengeance is his.

I digress…

Historical accounts of churches have had these problems since the new testament was written.  That is why it is mentioned in scriptures so much!  Corinthians shows us this in Paul’s letters, Galatians as well and petty egoism in III John have been with us from the beginning!   When members of the body of Christ see through the bullpit, typically they will leave that church because leadership is no longer following the Will of God.

Is there a solution to Narcissitic Preachers who commit acts of spiritual abuse on members of their flock?  Of course there is.  But taking the Narcissictic Pit Bull into a process to make them aware of themselves is NOT the answer.  They will continue to love the discontent that you are spewing at them as a way to gain attention and acquire their much needed love supply from the disdain that you are throwing at them: they want and love to see you squirm in your emotional discomfort and mock you for being wrong spiritually.  Talking the Narc. Bully Preacher is like trying to herd a cat.

But there is nothing wrong at stating the facts about  how a Preacher may be a PulPit Bully who herds shining squirrels to throw their flock off balance.  If your pastor or preacher exhibits any of these things on a regular basis,  this is spiritual abuse.    How can you spot one… watch how the preacher handles differences of opinion in any situation: watch how that preacher handles his words or if he/she shuts down opposing views.  Abusers come in many forms and abusive tactics are no different than domestic violence or in any other domain where abuse can be prevalent.

The shining squirrel over there that you eventually see just might be the only way you save yourself . A Shepherd wouldn’t call one of his sheep “ignorant or wrong”.  A Shepherd would tend to the needs of the sheep and not shame it for existing.

Heartland

I woke up on Nov 30th at the real live Heartland Ranch nestled in the south east portion of North Carolina. And instead of being on the border of Canada and the USA, This heartland borders South Carolina to the south by 6 miles. Just an easy drive under harness to the grocery store should someone decide to hitch up and head that way.

The fall leaves were still on fire. Looking at the front the house gleems the Glorification of God with it's Southern Christmas Charm exuding peace mixed with the ebb and flow of life's reality living on a farm. The highs... the lows.... the amazing.... the challenges. The unification of one family who brought all this wholesomeness together under one roof.....

Luke 9 says "Go I am sending you"...and this is where I landed. Also we know the best day in our lives is to discover our gift and the second best is to give it away.

These beautiful people that have made me their guest for the last 30 days bring forth the gift of love and hope and protection. I've been a quiet observer in many ways taking in all the goodness here. Steadfast in beautiful humanity, humbled by confession, strengthened by instruction, committed to Christ's mission greeting each other with the peace that comes from God.


But beyond the boundaries of this acreage lays another special place. A place that is safe for us Christians to express our faith in Christ and Glorify his Name in a Big Way.

Combining these two together and have brought absolute magic into my life and so many others who have had a part of this awesome experience. First and foremost, I would like to thank the 22 horses who made this possible.... for their work ethic and the unconditional love and bringing joy to people's hearts as they carried a total of 13,000 passengers this last month... The amazing horse care and logistics that no horse worked more than 4 days a week and no longer than 5 hours in one stretch ----- exemplifying a GOLD STANDARD in our Industry. We all travelled 2100 miles total....and every night was perfectly implemented with the love, skill and care of every person out there... the end came as bitter sweet and merged into a soft landing as the stars came over the North Carolina skies, the harnesses hung up in the tack trailer and the clanging of stainless steel hames being hung up for one more year.

One by one the last 5 horses came off the trailer... Open the gate, halters off, horses out... one by one they went into the safe pastures with their fellow equine brothers and sisters... Each horse signified an adjournment for those seated in the barn.  

At almost 11:30pm December 23rd, I said " I think you can say it now."

The words fell out of his mouth, 'We did it."

Those three little words meant that this entire team made it 2100 consecutive miles in perfect unison like the Geoffrey Ballet having its final curtain call.

I took the last ride with passengers from the Honduras. A young couple who travelled here just to experience this place. Not ONE of the 13000 people who were carried were ever out of line. There was a strong under current with Merry Christmas being spoken out of everyone's mouth in a manner where we all felt emotionally safe to be who were in Christ. And to think, only 3 rain days...and the rest. PERFECT weather with a few nights of Chilly.

However, the heart and soul of it all were the team that made it happen with synergistic leadership encouraging each of us every day. From the opening prayer to the last halter off, I guess you can say this is a love letter to my new carriage family of the south. Bridger, Heidi, Madison, Gail and Mike, Eric, Larry, Isabell, Caroline, Maddie, Travis and his amazing team and experience, Erika, Taylor, and I am sure I am missing someone and it's not intentional....


BUT ALL OF YOU, have made this feel like "falling in love" all over again. Every one of you made me feel like this is where I have belonged, I felt safe and secure under the Wings of the Lord nestled on top of a horse carriage in a comraderie that rivals my carriage family in Chicago...

 

So here in the heartland of the Carolinas is a corner of the world that no one knows about.  It has been here since before the motor laws... stemming back 5 generations.  

The parking lot at the end of the night was hard.  When my passengers stepped off the carriage, I choked back the tears knowing I was hanging up my lines commercially for who knows how long.    Bridger jumped into the back of my carriage to take the last trip down the hill. I knew sweet silence was importance for a bit.  Pulling into our staging area, as usual, a Descension of the finest footmen and drivers undoing every thing for each horse and carriage and------

POOF --- within 20 minutes 10 carriages parked, tops up,  10 horses un-tacked and loaded into huge rigs.  The chill night breeze caught the appearance of an instant ghost town.  It was over...  We all hugged each others necks.   And 4 5 6 7 8 JUST~LIKE~THAT - gone. 

I always held the belief that when we show up in Christ, God does the rest...

'We did it."

AMEN!   

 

      

 

Eulogy - In Memory of Anthony Eppolito

(First Draft)

 Anthony J. Eppolito

March 15 1952 - Dec 12 2021

Anthony's sudden passing has taken a week for me to wrap my head around it.  Covid Pneumonia is what was his demise.   

Almost 26 years ago I met Anthony on Michigan Avenue coming out of his same workplace office in Michigan Avenue dressed to the nines in a double breasted suit.  We chatted some and we struck up a friendship.  Over the course of the next few months we became pretty decent friends and dating a few dates but nothing transpired beyond that. I was in a budding relationship with my soul mate.   He was inspired by horses and I introduced him to the possibility of owning a horse.  He made it happen and bought Turbo.  Throughout the years, Anthony was in the background in my life.  Sorta always there.   When he married Barb after a short time, the marriage lasted 10 years and they were together for about 15 total.  The last five were absolutely short of misery for both of them.  During the last 10 years we became close friends again to the point where he considered me his best friend.  Sometimes I was his only friend and the only place he could go.  Often times when Barb would have a tantrum and throw him out of his house, I would toss him my keys to my place and Bloomingdale and have him stay there.  He got to know Jennifer as well...and that ole place at 139 S Bloomingdale Road became a safe haven for  Anthony as Barb was as unpredictable as shifting winds. I promised him he would not be homeless on my watch... ever.

I could go on about the years of minutia and details that made us stay friends.  The credit goes to Anthony to inspire me to become a better person...and that stems all the way back to 1997.    He directly told me several insights that I didn't have about myself which was the catalyst for becoming the person I am today.

Now he is no hero and absolutely no saint. I will not turn him into a hero like most people do when they have someone close to them die. I would like to believe I have had a balanced and connected closeness with him that was completely platonic.....and our relationship was centered in Christ. To say those 6 words "our relationship was centered in Christ" seems like a complete disservice to what we actually were to each other as God was the glue to our friendship.

Both of us were Pisces and the deeper we went the bluer it got as our conversations led down several paths of discovery with each other about our life goals, his physical limitations, the emotional struggles he had.  He never came up short on conversation and he never came up short on being fascinated by human nature.

The 14 years work he did as a Psychotherapist was more than remarkable.  His population that he worked with were sex addicts and sex offenders.  He wanted to help the unloveable become good citizens no matter what that looked like.  That took a serious toll on how he felt about men in general and took a favor to having almost 100% women friends.   He stood for honesty, righteousness, kindness, fairness and even though opinionated on most days, he was right, Kind and utterly washed in the Blood of Christ.  Utterly!  Christ can exclaim unequivocally, "Well done my good and faithful Servant."  Times a million.

Anthony's psychological pain hung a grunting weight like a 10 pound fish on a 5 pound line. It was no secret to those who deeply knew him that he was bi-polar who managed it like a champ.  He never felt worthy, however, of anything.  I would always be supportive and remind him 'that is your chemistry talking" and he would agree.  He had physical limitations and a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia came about within the last 10 years.   In addition an added diagnosis of COPD complicated alot of things and curbed his activity.  Depression was a staple in his life.  Sometimes it would completely knock him down and he expressed all the darkness to me when in those life moments where he felt like depression was bigger than any solution he could find for it.  He longed to be with the Lord for decades but definiutely didn' t want to rush his time here on earth though.  There was too many to 'love' yet for Anthony to be cut short and showing love deeply to all he had met.

Finally after his divorce from Barb and a near miss with some legal complications, he settled in Marengo.  His life started changing, becoming better. His relationship with his father was healed before his dad passed away. There was enjoyment in his world...but still the psychological pain from the bi-polar kicked around and he still managed it well without letting on it was truly affecting him.

Our conversations were super deep about everything you could imagine between two people who have known each other for 26 years.  Since about 10 years ago we were in touch like you would expect close friends to be.    I respected his emotional head space and energy to be able to absorb anything in my life and he respected mine.  We understood when we said, "Not today, I don't have the energy to do this right now."  

He was the total Pisces empath to his core: we clicked on that aspect. After his divorce his world fell apart and then it came together and then more together alittle more. He dated some women but those didn't 'stick.'  However I learned he was always carefully looking for the next Ms. Forever.   "You Ole' dog" I would tell him.   He would give me that knowing laugh that I understood.  He referred to himself as old and "why would any woman want to even be remotely near and with me."  I encouraged him to continue his search and nothing seemed to stick.  He was also happy for me that I had finally settled into long term with my own soul mate...and when that came crashing down, he was there for me to cry on.

I guess there is something unqiue about two therapists being friends that is unlike any other friendship.  The deep understanding, the knowingness and of course out countless conversations that we would have about Jesus, being in Pre-tribulation times, about the nature of Christ and God's infinite love and care for his children.  The understanding of the scripture that flowed freely woven into our conversations that held a continuous space in our world.  We both sat playing like His Little Children at the feet of our God the Father basking in His protection and love...as we hung out in this world, not rushing to leave it but ready to go when called home.  We were each other's sister and brother In Christ Jesus... that sacred space between this world and the next. Protected and held together with Jesus as the glue. 

The last month and a half of Anthony's truncated life was the best of his life.  His ache to be with horses was filled to the brim.  He was my ground crew as he was getting to know his current love of his life.  She was with us too when we made that Trek across Illinois.    His life was changing around.  He succumbed to the love that was being given to him by this awesome unique woman he had found to spend time with.  I got to know JS in the process and knew she was also the real deal for him.  They were a match made in Heaven. I haven't seen Anthony so giddy in at least a decade over a gal.  Added on top of that were Horses, the trek that he did with us (who knew it was his last ever) and the continuance of all of his passions and love accumulating: materializing right before his eyes as he looked forward to being 70 years old. Everything was going right for him.. absolutely everything.   He was finally contented, peaceful and happy... exuding joy in every conversation and experience.  His cup was running over.  

The thing that haunts me the most is our conversation about covid.  He said to me, "I am ready to meet the Lord, I don't want to rush it, but I pray that God does not take me by giving me Covid."  It was his worst fear.  He did not want to Drown in his own breathe.  He begged God out loud in front of me to not take him that way.  He said to me, "Anything but Covid."   And one week after his passing, that sticks to me like glue.. His words echoing that sentiment.  He gave himself the best fighting chance with treatment and care while in the hospital but a mere six days there, a his worst fear was realized...

I just can't find the right "word" or "words" to describe his essence and just the 'way' he had with people and relationships.  Anthony was highly relatable to everyone.  He thought of himself as a fat old bald guy...but underneath that exterior he hated that comes with age was the handsome guy I met 26 years ago in a double breasted Armani Suit standing on Michigan Ave.  I think he felt his own appeal at times and his new love def. brought that out of him.   We were at a Perkins in Burlington Iowa and he had tears in his eyes. His tender heart welled up when I asked him what was wrong.  Anthony replied choking up, "I finally feel worthy.  Truly, I finally feel worthy."

After decades of fighting the dark demons of a mood disorder,  he found his self worth.  Thousands of words were said from any one that knew him about how he mattered and his was always worthy...but the chemistry did his talking for him...

And that day... over sausage links eggs and biscuits and gravy... he finally arrived.  Finally arrived at self worth in a manner that seemed to stick it out the remainder of his last month on the planet. It never was subject of conversation again.  I owe this new found insightful transformation to the people in his life over the last two months.  JS.. this means you, too.  

It's as though his new transformation into his own self worth and feeling Worthy of God's love was the final stop for Anthony that he didn't know about.  He finally "arrived" so to speak that took close to 7 decades for it to transpire.   Was there nothing left for Anthony to realize once he "got this" wrapped around his head?  Was his worthiness to God the final missing puzzle piece...and now he Could Go Home knowing that.  Truly only God knows.

EVERYTHING in his world was heading in the right direction and everything he loved merged into the same time space in the last two months. I had never seen him happier than he was those last two months of his life and the world that was revealing itself to him.  New found love, horses, old deep ancient friendships remaining true, healing family relationships.  Anthony even admitted that his health was better than he had expected when under taking a pretty grueling horse expedition as ground crew.  His health was fine! He ditched the back brace, The FMS was in remission, the COPD was better than it had been and the newest love of his life and he were moving forward.... and I watched him unfold in this season of his life as his happiness and joy exuded from every fiber of his being.

I will remember Anthony the way he was the last two months of his life: feeling finally worthy, feeling good enough and finally feeling the love of God in a manner in which he accepted.   Anthony's tender tender heart could be pricked by love and emotion so easily.  But the heartache and bleeding stopped and was superceeded by his pure joy for the world, the love he had for others in his life and the way he felt about being a Child of God.

Worthy of God's love in the forever capacity of unconditional love and light.  And Anthony...You were always worthy...but now you just Get to experience it first hand.  You have been called home (albeit in a very unwanted tragic manner)..  Resting forever in God's love and talking to Jesus.  

Yes Anthony.. you are worthy.   You always have been.

Buffalo Moon Expedition 2021 - Press Release

The Hope Ride

Buffalo Moon Expedition’s message is simple.  However, the long-distance delivery of that message has a most been most unusual and sometimes unfathomable even for horse minded folks who trail or endurance ride.

 

Experienced long-rider Megan Gray and her 13 year old Haflinger Hope will be heading out this fall with not much more than a toothbrush in Gray's saddle bags.  Their destination is unknown as of yet. However,  she is making her way south letting her intuition be her guide as far as a general destination is concerned.  Gray states she has worked hard for one year as she has planned to take 10 weeks off to see where the countryside would lead her.  She will start in the Chicagoland area, close to where she originally was raised.  

Gray will still be utilizing many of the Rails To Trails to make her way. The Rails To Trails Conservancy have endorsed a few of her expeditions in the past.  Gray is an avid conservator of horse history, historic preservation and also rail trails.  Rails-to-Trails Conservancy (RTC) is a nonprofit organization dedicated to creating a nationwide network of trails from former rail lines and connecting corridors to build healthier places for healthier people.  As an equestrian explorer, Gray also is the founder of Buffalo Moon Expedition, an organization that preserves equestrian travel.

Her expeditions have been an integral part of Ms. Gray's life. This journey also comes intertwined with her desire to heal from some recent past trauma and "make right the ride from 2017."

Gray states, "My previous ride across Illinois was a disaster in 2017. "  She listened to the voice to her non equine peers who begged her not to go alone.  Going against her better judgment and knowing that riding with a friend can be fun, it more than often times will ruin a good friendship.  In addition, she was in a abusive relationship with a partner who did not understand her passion for horse travel.  "In so many words, he forbade me to go. In addition, he was used to glam girls with fake everything. I remember him saying in so many words to me that perhaps getting my hair colored would scratch my itch for horse travel," Gray stated, "He hated the horse smell in an varying degree. Hated it with a passion.  He never accepted me as I am.  Calling me ugly without make up, telling me I looked like an old hag when I didn't color my hair and comparing me to other women.  He never accepted me for who I am...and since I was lost myself, I tried to be the chameleon girlfriend and lost myself in the process."   

Gray caved into peer pressure and did the opposite of any ride she has ever done:  she took a good friend, two trucks, two trailers and everything including the kitchen sink.  In the Long Riding world, this is a recipe for disaster, heartache and complication. 

Gray says, "Susan was such an awesome friend to attempt this with me.  I always leave an out for people should they not want to continue.  Somehow, when she didn't continue, we still maintained admiration and respect for each other. I give her credit for going 112 miles with me.  Sergio was amazing and her riding skills were very well matched with mine."  Gray always encourages others to ride along for a few days, but not the entire journey.  "It never works out for me," she states.   

They remained friends.  However, the two trucks, the two trailers and the others who begged her not to go alone ruined every thing else for Gray.  "This ride turned out to be their ride, not mine."

"Saying this ride was over-complicated is an understatement!  There was more shuttling the rigs than there was riding and savoring the experience.  Absolute disaster. Not to mention that Buffalo Moon Expedition made front page headlines in the Daily Herald in Chicagoland:  not finishing even that short of a distance was the utmost embarassment for me," Gray Stated.  Gray feels like she owes the reporter Bert Constable an apology, and hopes to make up for it on this ride. 

Swiss Long Rider, and sadly now deceased,  -  Basha O'Reilly when she mentored Ms Gray in 2008 said to her, "Just pack a toothbrush and go."    Gray knows this to be true in her experiences.  If the 2017 ride could be called anything, Gray would call it a "Pony Picnic with everything AND a toothbrush."   

Those words Ring so true in Gray's ears who can hear Basha O'Reilly's (FRGS) lovely wisdom every time she swings a leg over into the saddle on an expedition like this.  And for this reason Gray will ride in honor of her memory.  Mrs. O'Reilly and the Long Riders Guild have been invaluable for mentoring her along the way.  Basha passed away this year, and regardless of where things were left with the Long Riders Guild and Gray,   Basha was always packed in her saddle bags theoretically with her mentoring wisdom close in Gray's heart. 

Their hosts were amazing and they met some magical people.  The horses left and came back in better condition than they left.  But the ride totally missed the point.  "I turned into the laughing stock of DuPage County among my friends," Gray states.    Gray's positive attitude believed that any attempt is a success.  But in the case of the 2017 ride... it was an utter failure."

Then life went from bad to worse. Gray with the rest of the commercial carriage companies in the city of Chicago were banned after a decades old fight with radical animal activists.  She experienced 45 deaths in 24 months- several were family, her livelihood, her last relationship and cut ties with her soulmate once and for all.   She lost everything, "Including myself," she states. She recalls living in a tool shed in 26 degree weather without heat.  That was the lowest time of her life.   She was stripped of all her money with no place to go, no one to turn to.  She took odd jobs and did anything she could, including staying with an abusive individual because that was better than living on the streets.     

The individual that Gray stayed with, even as she was paying the little rent she could, accused her of being her meal ticket after calling her a psycho-bitch one day.  She remembers the day, "It was January 22, 2019 at 10:30 in the morning."  Gray states she told that individual, "I'll be out tomorrow!"  Gray called one of the oldest and truest friends.  She landed in the burbs taking care of his 91 year old mom as she was coming back from serious health issues.   "John is like a brother to me. He saved my life that day I called.  John couldn't stand that "Jag off" that treated me so horribly. He also was in serious need of helping his mom get well.  And what son wants to really have his 91 year old mom in all her glory revealed to him."   Gray's past history in social work in long term care kicked in.   "Helen was a blessing in my world.  It was an honor to take care of her all those months.  And it was the least I could do.  They are my oldest family friends that I have."    

"Crying herself to sleep in that tool shed in layers of clothing in 26 degree weather felt like the beginning of the end."  The only pride she had was leaving that horribly abusive relationship where the word "C***" was what she was called frequently for no reason.  But Gray has found her way back out of everything she has lost (and ejected from her life) to the point where she can put life on a 10 week hiatus.

Little by little she picked herself up by her bootstraps, got herself working in her own amazing rescue transport business ---- and started to thrive again. Through two years of utter hardship (much harder than the perils of a long ride), Megan is back at it with renewed positiveness. Gray is going about her ride in the least complicated as possible. Their travel style is similar to that of the Old West.  The duo travels from town to town and less than 15 miles a day at a  leisurely pace of 2 to 4 miles an hour.  Hope is much slower than previous horses that have undertaken this journey.  But she is as solid as they come.

“Without Hope (in more ways than one), this ride wouldn’t happen,” Gray said. “  The safety and her care always comes first!  The expedition will stop if Hope's well being is in jeopardy.  Hope came into her life after losing her best expedition horse who was retired in 2012.  Hope is a stout Halflinger with good sense.  She is an ex Amish women's horse who was the "main family transportation" before Megan came into her world.  Hope and Megan also partnered together on their Commercial Carriage business until the activists started stalking her and she had to shut down. This Gypsy cowgirl relies on help from hosts and sponsors as she ventures the trail. Hosts often transport gear to the next host, and give them a place to shower, eat and rest.  

“It’s not the miles, it’s the meaning,” Gray emphasized again. "The longest journey we take is life itself and into our own world.  Equestrian Exploration heightens the possibility of discovery with every mile under saddle."

Our modern day Don Quixote rides off to be able to make the good weather and arrive where ever the winds takes her by Thanksgiving with Hope her dreams in her saddle bags and a whole bunch of real live HOPE to pass on to those they meet on the trail!

There are so many people who are hurting out there.  And storytelling can help connect one another.  Hope is a sweetheart of a horse.  She will be the lamp at the person's feet to help open up their own possibilities of healing if they are struggling.  Gray states that Luke 9 is what initially inspired her to head on out.  The passage reads, "Go I am sending you, the harvest is plenty and the workers are few."  Luke of the Bible was a physician.  Gray states this long ride is 'just what the doctor ordered."

Buffalo Moon Expedition does not accept monetary donations. Those who want to donate money to support the ride are asked to donate to Hayslope.org.  To learn more about Hayslope go to www.hayslope.org.   

Support Buffalo Moon Expedition as they make their way on their route.   Megan would love to have you join her on her Facebook age at www.facebook.com/megangray226@gmail.com